The Great Egg Spraypainting Project

Ok so Kristi and I are in the home stretch as far as wedding planning goes. We sent out the first batch of invitations this week, so if you receive a big off white envlope with EXCEPTIONALLY WELL WRITTEN CALIGRAPHY WITH YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, which was written by my lovely fiance, then RETURN THE POSTCARD INSIDE IT IMMEDIATELY! We need a headcount ASAP. Anyways, tonight I was in charge of Kristi's latest "honey-do" project for the wedding. Since arts and crafts was a favorite subject of mine throughout school, mostly being ARTFUL AND CRAFTY AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT, I guess I didn't mind working on the project. The job goes as thus: spray painting plastic easter eggs. You take the easter egg, lather it up in paint thinner, spritzle some "plastic bonding" spray paint for the first coat (notice the use of the Johnny-ese term spritzle). Then, you flittzle (this is spritzling with fleck paint hence frittzle) another coat of paint that is made to texture. Finally you LIGHTLY spritzle again with pretty satin blue spraypaint. So I have these easter eggs drying in my garage leaving my clothes nice and splotchy with spraypaint and my hand smelling like paint-thinner. I just hope SuperBride is happy with her sprittzled-flittzled egg creations. These will be used by the way to house birdseed for throwing at me on the wedding day. I just hope someone doesn't throw the (now heavy laiden with spraypaint) eggs, which I think might be heavy enough now to be considered a lethal weapon.

<-------Our eggs not as cool as Easter Egg Tree!

Special Edition: Dumb move of the Week!

Ok, I just got done with my "Jesus-er-cise" blog and decided I would head off to class. I was working in the computer lab and watching the time to make sure I was over in the Bay building by 4 o'clock for my Business Psychology class, which I am usually on time for because I have a class prior to it. Today I had my mid-term in the prior class, so I have some extra time to work on things and blog. I walk into class and the professor said "your late! We started at 3:30. " I promptly told the man "I am not late I am 5 minutes early!" Him and the rest of the class proceeded to tell me they started back at 3:30 from their break I said "no this class starts at 4:00. One of the students said "which class are you here for, this is Psychology and Law, which was a 2:00 class. My class, which actually starts at 5 o'clock not 4, had not started yet and I rudely interrupted the Psych and Law class...which erupted in laughter as I realized I was an hour early for class. Which, by the way, the professor, who is the same professor for my Business Psych class did not remember I wasn't in his Psych and Law class. Oh well, atleast I wasn't really late and was able to amuse some of my bored Co-Psych majors with a good laugh at my expense.

JESUS-ER-CISE!!!! (YOU GOT TA MOVE IT, MOVE IT!)

Just when you think you've seen the worst of "Christian Alternative" marketing products.......I give you Jesus-er-cise! Recently I saw a news segment on Fox News about The Christian Fitness Center...somewhere in Ohio. I wanted to post an internet transcript of the segment, because they had a "opposition" person who gave some good insight to why this is NOT a good business venture, but Fox didn't post anything.
Anyways, I decided to research the "Christian Fitness" movement. I found that most of the women involved looked remarkably like Beth Moore.

Anyways, the "Christian Fitness Center" is a health club that has wall to wall bible scriptures to motivate people to healthier lives through biblical principles. Personally, if you wanna "sweat to scripture" by all means go for it. Instead of pictures of Jane Fonda and Billy Blank, you could put up charactures of Sampson and Bathsheba (who were considered to be biblical hotties!). But just don't forget that, while having physical well-being is great,using the bible for a new "get healthy" gimic cheapens scripture and can mock the Gospel of Jesus. I think Jesus want's his followers to be in good shape, but I think he wants us to know more about loving people and giving ourselves in service...which I guess you gotta "be buff" to do construction in Mexico on mission trips! Anyways, I just hope churches don't decide to incorporate fitness programs into their sunday morning service. The next thing will be Yoga warm ups before you get your "praise on".

Waiting.......

This is for everyone who has ever waited tables or atleast seen "Waiting....." the Movie. (especially for my sister and brother and other family members who have been servers.

The next time you're out eating at a restaurant, look at your server. Do you think they are really happy to be doing that job? The answer is no, they are not, but it's what we do, and we do it for the money so please help them out. Its a tougher job than you think and you should pay them accordingly!There are SO many people out there flooding the restaurants w/o any knowledge of how to tip. Here is a short guide for the general public to follow. Feel free to print out and store in your wallet and/or purse.

1. CHILDREN "THE LITTLE DEVILS":If you have children, DO NOT let them, open and dump anything on the table (ie; salt, sugar, etc). IF YOU DO, you must leave an extra $5 for the server to clean up YOUR CHILD'S mess & to restock the now unusable wasted items. We are neither their babysitter nor their parent. The least you can do is pay us for the extra work. Also make sure you control your kids and don't let them scream or run around the restraunt. It's very distracting not to mention dangerous if they get ran over by a server with hot food in their hands.

2. "THE CAMPERS":If you feel the necessity to stay for longer than 15 minutes after you pay, its an extra $3 every 30 minutes. We make our money from the tables. If you are in one and we can't seat it, we don't make money.

3. COMPLIMENTS:Telling a server they are the best server they've ever had is not a tip. If we are good, let us know by leaving us more money. We cant pay our bills on compliments. Its not that we don't appreciate the praise, its just that if you say that and then leave 10% it's an insult.

4. THE SALVATION PAMPHLETS:Prayer cards and any other religious pamphlet is NOT a tip. It is insulting that you assume we are w/o religion and must save us. Again, like ..3, we cant pay bills w/prayer cards. We'd go to church on Sundays if it wasn't mandatory to work on Sundays because EVERYONE who goes to church follows it by eating out.

5. TIPPING:It is not 1960. Cost of living has gone up dramatically since then. 18% is the MINIMUM amount of what you should be tipping your servers. Just look at the tax line and multiply by 2-3, this gives you your minimum tip amount. Remember, our companies pay us minimum wage (minumum wage for servers is $6.75 in CA, $3.13 in FL, $3.09 in IA, $2.13 in TX) And we are taxed on 10 percent of your meal automatically anyway. So if your meal is $100 and you leave $10 and we tip out $4-5 to the busser, bartender, and whoever else then we pay tax on 10 dollars and we make $5. It seems small but it adds up. How many times do you eat out per week and do this?

6. THE COMPLAINERS:If you get a discount because of your food was prepared wrong or something, do not take it out of our tip. We didn't cook it. The cooks get paid hourly regardless if the food sucks. However, we only make what you give us.

7. THE FREE STUFF:If you happen to get anything for free and you did not have a problem with your dining experience, most of the time it is because the server thinks you will realize that they are giving it to you for free. There should be extra tip thanking the server for the free item. They could get in a lot of trouble giving away free stuff. You should give them hazard pay for it.

8. THE LATE ONES:If you come into the restraunt 10 mins before closing or any time near closing hurry up and order your food and get out. Closed means closed, not social hour. It is so rude to sit there and take your sweet ass time. We can't leave until you leave because we have to do sidework and clean the table you are sitting at. We don't want to stand there waiting for you for an extra hour just because you don't want to go home. We recommend 24 hour establishments such as Dennys if you wish to sit into the wee hours of the night.

9. THE TABLE HOGGERS:If you only come in for coffee or a dessert, to do paper work, or to have a meeting, don't sit there taking up our booths for hours. We are not Starbucks or a hotel restraunt. If you want to sit for hours, go there or else you better leave a good tip for us and camping fee included.

10. THE GREET:When we come up to the table to greet you and we ask how you are doing please let us know. We honestly want to know how you are doing. If you are in a bad mood we want to know that from the beginning. A confused stare or complete silence does not suffice as a reply to "How are you doing?". Also most of us are REQUIRED to say certain things during the greeting, so please don't interrupt our greeting and say "I want coffee", "Can we get some bread?", or "What are the soups?"

11. THOSE DAMN CELL PHONES:Don't ever talk on your cell phone in a restraunt. This is probably the rudest thing to do. If you must be on your cell, at least keep your voice down in respect for other customers. If you are on your cell phone when we walk up to greet your table we will walk away and not return until you get off your phone. Just show some respect and give us your attention for a couple of minutes.

12. TAKE-AWAY OR TO-GOS:Always remember to tip the take-out order servers! They work just as hard as a server, and hardly ever get tips for it! WE DESERVE TO BE TIPPED TOO

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SERVERS READING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please repost this so the word can get out, since so many people are uneducated about tips and our lives depend on this - at least for now

......SIGNED, YOUR FELLOW RESTAURANT SERVERS

The Blue Boy and Pinky Experience....Are You Experienced??

Meet Blueboy and Pinky. For those who might come visit this blog besides my LOVING brother and sister who I APPRECIATE AND ADORE FOR THEIR LOVING COMMENTS, these are paintings that I have grown up with all my life. The story behind these paintings, as it relates to my family goes like thus:
.......Along time ago in a land far away called "Oklahoma" there lived a husband and wife named Jim and Sharon Claunch (aka mom and dad, and that's Jim not James...if you call him James you are a telemarketer). Anyways, Jim was a budding seminarian and Sharon was a good mother and housewife to Jim. They were dirt poor and lived in a small apartment in Tulsa. Times were hard on Jim and Sharon and there came a need for $500 dollars to pay certain expenses that they didn't have the money for. A woman whom they knew came by one day totally out of the blue, who I believe was part of their church, and said She was "lead by the Lord" to give them a check for.....guess what.....$500. She did not know their need for this money, nor know what the money was for....only that she was suppose to give them this money and 2 other items. The other items were these paintings of Blue Boy and Pinky....If you are like me when I first heard this story, I would have simply been amazed by the money part. However, there is an even more interesting twist regarding the paintings. Sharon said to Jim," this is amazing, she did not even know we needed this money, but as far as these paintings, I have never seen them before, nor do I know who they are." Jim said to Sharon " I know who they are, they are Blueboy and Pinky." Sharon said "how do you know that?" Jim said "because, these paintings are at my mother's house in Alabama, my uncle Jimmy has a copy of them AND my brother Tommy has a copy of them as well. ".....this story is something I will be telling my grandchildren when I get old. I may also have my own story to tell them because I had a "BB and P" Experience last night. Unlike the Jimi Hendrix Experience which involved heavy doses of Acid, the BB & P Experience involves God and is drug free. I was delivering pizza's last night, which is my call of duty most Tuesday nights. I was having a HORRIBLE night in tips and was on track to have the 2nd worst night in my delivery history. I was on my way to the infamous "MLK" district, which is notorious for bad tips. And, just to clarify, this is an economic phenomeon not a racial one. I get bad tips in poor white neigborhoods as well. Anyways, I pull up and this guy comes and meets me at the edge of the road. He proceeds to say "How would you like a really good tip". I said "sure". He said "Ok, here's the deal...I have no cash, but for the cash you have, I will double your tip on the credit card. " He had already paid for his meal on a credit card, which was approved. I checked his I.D. already and it wasn't a stolen card, which this situation would have first prompted me to do. I said "are you sure about that". He said "I will DOUBLE what you have. " I said "I have $65 on me." He said "Ok, I will just make the tip out for $170, which gave me a $105 tip." His bill was $25 plus the $170 tip which totaled $195. I ask him why he would do this. He said "I just hit the Fantasy 5 lottery tonight and my winnings are $92,000. Me and my buddy are here celebrating and are driving to Tallahassee tommorrow to pick up the winnings." Now remind you this man was NOT drunk from what I could tell. He seemed to be an educated older black man. I told him I needed to ok this with my boss. We called him and my boss Richard said it was fine. When I returned to the store, I had forgot to make an imprint of the card. Richard said if this guy recanted his card, I would owe for the whole amount. The next day, the same guy called back again, ordered pizza and gave the day driver an $80 tip. Now the amazing this to me was I made $140 in tips, which means I would have only walked with $35 in tips had I not recieved this huge tip. Which, I usually walk with $60+ on a closing shift. Another amazing thing happened on my next delivery. I forgot to get a change bank, which was 10 one dollar bills and 2 five dollar bills to make change for my customers. I got to my next delivery and had no change. The bill was $16 and they gave me a $20. The guys were really young as well as African-American (sorry, but when you get Operantly Conditioned to get bad tips from black people you are GONNA have predispostions to think you are not getting a tip, so I was expecting them to ask for the change back. Before I could even say I didn't have change, they told me to keep the change. Now, either this was God teaching me a lesson about not being prejudice (which maybe part of it), or it was about reminding me he is still my father in Heaven. I got back to my car after the 2nd delivery and began to cry and thank God for his "totally undeserving" grace and blessing he had bestowed. It really had nothing to do with the money at all, but more to do with the fact I was having a HORRIBLE night. I have a horrible cold and really didn't want to close that night. I tried to give up my closing shift, but noone would take it. Not to mention, I just dropped $350 fixing my car. I make good money and have a $400 tax return coming back, so I didn't really need the money desparately. This was just about reminding me there is a God and he loves me.

Who is John Claunch?

Ten Top Trivia Tips about John Claunch!

1. John Claunch is only six percent water.
2. John Claunch invented the wheel in the fourth millennium BC.
3. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr John Claunch Head!
4. John Claunch is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes.
5. The air around John Claunch is superheated to about five times the temperature of the sun.
6. John Claunch is the sacred animal of Thailand!
7. Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and John Claunch has 7!
8. John Claunch has four noses.
9. If you chew gum while peeling John Claunch then it will stop you from crying.
10. Twenty-eight percent of Microsoft's employees are John Claunch.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

CHRISTIAN


The reason for this post was this radio broadcast I heard this afternoon on a Christian radio station called "Identity: Who Are You?: Do You Know Who You Really Are?". In this broadcast Author of Hope for the Heart June Hunt shares her thoughts about how people have lost their identity. (go check out her website at www.hopefortheheart.org ) and try and spot her "core values" on the "Core Values Presentation" She had a phone caller who she asked the question "How do you think God views you?". The reply was "I think he sees me as a worthless sinner save for the blood of Christ", which in my opinion is a pretty accurate biblical understanding of humanity in the eyes of God. This woman therapist/author/nutquack proceeds to tell him that that is his "problem" and that he needs to find self-worth and see God made him with personal worth. Now, I believe "God don't make no junk" as I've heard youth pastors say, but I do believe that humanity has made junk out of what God created. With the sin in our lives, he cannot see self-worth in us. It is the purpose of Christ on earth and it is, in my opinion the core of the gospel. It says in Isaiah that " But we are all as an unclean [thing], and all our righteousnesses [are] as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away." Isa 64:6 In the Psalms it says"Every one of them is gone back: they are altogether become filthy; [there is] none that doeth good, no, not one."Psa 53:3 I could go on with Paul's views but this is his references so I will stick with them. To get back on track, this is what Christian Ideology in the South is build upon. "Self-Help" "Personal" relationship with Jesus that is all about fire insurance and has nothing to do with the gospel. I am reading a great book right now called "A Generous Othordoxy" by a guy named Brian McClaren that illustrates this point perfectly. He says "I fear that for too many Christians "personal salvation" has become another persoanl consumer product and Christianity it's marketing program" He goes on to say "Can't seeking a personal salvation as the ultimate end become the ultimate consumerism or narcissism?" In a self-centered and hell-centered salvation, doesn't Jesus-like every company and political party-appeal to me on the basis of self-interest so that I can have it all so cheaply, conveniently, easily, and quickly?" Well, you get the picture. From my own personal experience I got saved 5 years ago from a life of sex, drugs, and self-abasement. But I have been asking my self after the novelty has worn off, "what did I get saved into?" I KNOW that there is a God because of the order, balance, and beauty in a complex world. This CANNOT be happenstance. I KNOW he loves me because I realize my self worth"less" ness in the light of Jesus's Love. But, I must not take that gift and trade that for a cheaper, storebought Christ"less" reality That does nothing for me but make me a Pharisee. If I have offended any of you I am sorry. But God's truth is not only beautiful, it's also offensive and the truth hurts........Wow, if I wasn't sick, I would say it was time for a beer. Anyways leave 'em if you got em. P.S. for more fun go to this link http://www.av1611.org/jmelton/scross.html to learn the "Christian" roots of the Rebel Flag. All I can say is WOW.

Johnny Python and the Holy Vase

Ok. So, I went to Destin, FL last night because Kristi needed some vases. But what kind of vases you ask. These were not just ordinary vases. They had to be the "right" vases (or baskets, or buckets, or whatever works). We went to Old Time Pottery, which for all you guys is a huge warehouse full of forementioned decoratives. Kristi had seen a picture of a vase with what looked like Hasta leaves inside them decorated beautifully for our wedding. (These wedding magazines can make anything attractive, even a few leaves in a bucket). So I ask young Knight Bride-a-lot where is the photo of this so we can expedite this search....but nay......no picture. She brought a fake leaf that she bought from Pier One and proceeded to galavant around The Swirly Twirly Land of Vases putting the leaf in each one to compare. I felt like either Arthur in The Sword in the Stone or Prince Charming in Cinderella fitting the glass slipper. I was hoping to see a golden chalice with an eerie light beaming down and angels singing the grail's praises sitting on one of the shelves. But to our dismay, the "right" vase was a myth...atleast in Destin. Yesterday was not the best day for me. I took my car into the shop and found out I need internal motor work which may cost me lots of money. I am recieving some money back in taxes that may help cover the cost of the problem. However, it my cause my car to be in the shop for quite a few days. Since I work as a pizza delivery dude, my car is my money maker. I am sure I can find a loaner, but it will probably inconvience someone. Anyways, because my darling Knight Bride-a-lot loves me so and wanted to cheer me up, she took me out to eat at Mellow Mushroom (which must be where Monty Python and the Gang ate before filming). We had a pitcher of Newcastle and decided to to find a movie to sober up at. Before leaving The Shroom I proceed to venture across the Evil "Closed Section" Land, which was just mopped, and busted my ass on The Slippery Floor of Doom. My arm still is in pain this morning. So we went to see Firewall with Harrison Ford, which is a good one by the way and headed home when our BAC went back down to legal limits.

What's the Deal with Dr. Phil?

Ok, so what is the deal with this guy. Why is his show so popular? He disguises his show as a therapy/help program when all it is is entertainment for the bored. He is NOT a Therapist and most have got his "Dr." at that Wanda Finkleman Psychological Doctorates/Cosmetology school. Anyways if you like Dr. Phil, that's fine. It's like people who "like" the news for entertainment value. But if you think you are getting smarter by watching it...think again. They are selling you toilet paper....not therapy

Quick Draw Cheney

If you have not heard, Vice President Dick "QuickDraw" Cheney shot his hunting buddy (for more info go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11312757/ ) Now before Leno and other late night joksters get a laugh at Dickie's expense. Let's remember a man was shot here. I am sure the news is going to have a field day with this one. I am picturing President Bush with 2 holstered pistols and the VP behind him like a hyped up sidekick holding a shotgun saying "lemme shoot 'em Buford please lemme shoot 'em". For all you "News"ertainment fans hold on to your britches.

Tattoo's

Yeah, So I am thinking about getting a new tattoo. I really used to be into getting Ink and then decided it was time to take a break before I was covered. Sometimes I am annoyed by my choices in art and sometimes I am all about my tats. I am considering getting a piece on my honeymoon down in Orlando. Lots of good parlors down there according to a buddy of mine. Getting ink done is like making love to a maschist, good pain. Anyways, I digress. Post em if you got em.

The mayhem that is Intercultural/Interracial Communications

I am in the last full semester of my undergraduate education and am really getting burnt out on college. Since I am a psychology major with a communications minor, I am really worried my edcuation will be lacking in depth until I reach the graduate level. Afterall, there is not much you can do with a Psych Undergrad except teach or manage cubical warriors on their way up the corporate ladder. But this post is more about the ensuing mayhem that happens in one of my minor classes in communications called Intercultural/Interracial Communications. The class is suppose to be a study of how different cultures and races act and interact and how a technologically advanced world is now forced to deal with smaller cultural gaps. Basically, how exactly should Americans behave on a business trips to Pakistan. Anyways, the professor of the class acts like she got her degree at the Wanda Finkleman Communications Doctorate/Cosemetology School. Today in class she proceeds to start talking about the class material on the psychology of language and somehow randoms off into talking about the Catholic stations of the Cross and the criteria for sainthood, the next thing ya know 3 protestant christians begin to argue with a catholic girl about Catholic ritual and another group of people are complaining about ebonics, specfically the term "axe" as in "can I axe you a question." Anyways this class ends up in total dissarray every week and I feel like I am either watching 4 empisodes of CNN's Crossfire simultaneously or spending the afternoon at a Korean Parliment meeting. Anyways, I was pretty worried about the test in the next class so I engulfed myself in the facinating world of Business Psychology. Nothing like dry lecture about the 20 ways to run the scientific method. WOOHOO.

HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!
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Cup of Irregular

Faster than a speeding Starbucks addict.......more powerful than a loco-motivational speaker......able to deliver pizza's in a single bound.........I give you Johnny Caffiene. (now available in Zimbabwe Special Roast). I am creating this blog cause I think it will help me better communicate with my siblings who seem to find this a great avenue for spilling the beans (yes, pun intented.) Anyways this blog will be about Johnny Caffiene's real life identity of a mild mannered pizza delivery boy/college student/christian"ish"/politically erect I mean incorrect/coffee drinker named John Claunch. I am a college student at Florida State University at Panama City, as not to be confused with our "branch" campus in Tallahassee. I am sure I will have plenty to say about school, being engaged and soon married.....more about being Gopher Boy (Johnny Caffiene's sidekick) for my fiance SuperBride aka my darling Kristi. Just kidding My Love....as well as talking about everyone's favorite topic's politics, religion, and delivering pizza to thousands of inebriated beach infesting college students......Hope you enjoy my "cup of irregular"....Now with Extra Sugar!